Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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