on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
