I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
