My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
