and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
