So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
