she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
