Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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