Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
