I wish my penis had an off switch
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize