You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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