I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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