just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize