i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
