It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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