i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
