woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
