sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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