woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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