Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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