my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
