I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
