I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
