I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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