i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize