took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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