I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
