I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
