I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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