He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
