I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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