Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
