Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
