just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
