if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
