Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
