i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
