He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
