i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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