every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
