The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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