i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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