Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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