i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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