it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
