tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize