I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
