Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
