I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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