im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
