im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
