i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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