yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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