So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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