Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
