Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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