Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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